Susan Boyle to the rescue

In a last ditch attempt to find a “celebrity” to perform at Trump’s Inauguration Scottish songstress and Britain’s Got Talent sensation Susan Boyle (aka ‘The Hairy Cornflake’) has been approached by the president-soon-to-be’s office for the plum role of headline act.

Boyle has apparently agreed. But there’s a catch; she’ll only do the gig if she can perform her version of The Dead Kennedys seminal 1981 classic ‘Too Drunk To Fuck’.



Boyle insists however that there is no political motive behind the somewhat curious clause.

“I’ve always been a massive fan of the Dead Kennedys” she told us; “I’ve been meaning to release an album of sensitive covers for some time now, and this would be a perfect opportunity for me to showcase some of the new songs I’ve recorded.”

Other acts currently booked include Ted Nugent, Kid Rock and a recently reformed Charles Manson Family. Boyle is said to be delighted to be included in the lineup.
“I’m delighted to be included in the lineup.” she told us. “I can appreciate that they might not particularly like that song but I really, really, really like it. I’m not married to it though, if they insist I have to do something else I’d be only too happy to sing a cover of the Dead Kennedys 1981 hit ‘Nazi Punks Fuck Off’ instead” she added.