Who had Jared Lorenzen?

Jared Lorenzen Makes His Pitch to QB the Jets After Geno Incident

BRAD GAGNON
AUGUST 13, 2015

Editor's Note: The following text was transcribed by NFL analyst Brad Gagnon from a conversation with free-agent quarterback Jared Lorenzen.


Dear New York Jets,

I have started my campaign on social media and figure now is the time to write you in person. I feel as though you may not be taking my pitch to join the team seriously, so this is my attempt to convince you that I should be a member of the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

Let’s start with a simple fact: I used to play in New York City. I understand what it takes to handle day-to-day life in this city. Be honest—don’t you want a guy who knows his way around? You don’t want to have to tell your quarterback which restaurants are good and which to stay away from.

Oh, and I have a Super Bowl ring! Granted, I was the backup and didn't see the field after Week 3. But, nevertheless, I have a Super Bowl ring!

1968. That’s all I have to say.

And I’m pretty sure I can wear No. 11. I know everyone will wonder, “Why not rock No. 22, which has served you so well in years past?”

Well, the NFL probably won't accommodate that number for a quarterback. But beyond that, the real reason I want to wear No. 11? Say it with me, big guys! Vertical stripes are slimming!

It’s a busy time, Jets, so I’m guessing you haven’t been online lately. And you mustn’t have a smartphone because I haven’t received a direct-message response to my proposal. But I just want you to know that I can still throw the ball a little bit. Check out the tape—I’ve recently played for the Horsemen, the Rage and even a team called the River Monsters.

I have/can still split the webbing on my receiver's hands. On hitch/slant routes, I have thrown it so hard that the spin on the ball has split the webbing. It’s pretty gross but a hell of an accomplishment. Clearly, you’re missing out here.

The final reason why I need to be a Jet: heart and love for the game. I will give you everything this 6’4”, XXX-pound body has. I mean, when was the last time you saw a quarterback do this in a game?

I’ll answer that for you...never!

Throw in that I have a clean track record in not punching teammates and that I can step it up by eating all of the food Geno Smith won’t consume over the next six to 10 weeks, and this is a no-brainer.

I look forward to your call/email/DM/snapchat/Facebook message/Instagram post in reply to my proposal.

Thanks again for your consideration,

Jared Lorenzen
AKA: Hefty Lefty, Pillsbury Throwboy, Quarter(got)back, Abominable Throwman, Round Mound of Touchdown, Lord of the Ring Dings, He Ate Me, Butterball, Battleship Lorenzen, JLoad, Jello, J-Lo, Tubby Gunslinger, BBQ (Big Beautiful Quarterback)


P.S. We can begin negotiations at Tao in downtown around 10 p.m. this Friday night. Don’t worry about reservations. They know me. Ask for Sammy. I’ll be at my regular table with my sampler appetizer.