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Post by 2milehighJet on Feb 9, 2016 12:19:08 GMT -5
I know when I'm rancid and dying on the inside.
If this happens to happen at a bar or event, i will let the beast out and make people tear up.
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Post by Big L on Feb 9, 2016 12:30:40 GMT -5
In 8th grade social studies class, I tried to let a silent one go, but it backfired and came out loud, reverberating off the wood seat.
How embarrassing.
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Post by Fishooked on Feb 9, 2016 12:35:56 GMT -5
I know this guy @ work that would fart against the shared bathroom wall at work in order to repluse the female inhabitants on the other side.
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Post by jetswin on Feb 9, 2016 13:11:48 GMT -5
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Post by ruby2 on Feb 9, 2016 14:44:33 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but it's close enough I think.
A couple of years ago was one of those days where I was just fighting with my stomach the whole day at work. Everything was under control until I let out a huge sneeze. The sneeze was so epic I couldn't control my butthole and proceeded to simultaneously shart myself while in my chair at work. Luckily the sneeze covered up the fart sound, but unfortunately I had to awkwardly dash out of the cube, waddle down the hallway, duck into the bathroom, take my undies off in a stall, and then throw them out wrapped in paper towels so no one would see it in the garbage. The rest of the day went commando in a suit. It sucked.
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Post by Fishooked on Feb 9, 2016 15:18:21 GMT -5
Actually not the most inappropriate, but definitely the funniest. Catholic high school, Theology class, sophomore year. There is a reason they call it sophomoric humor. Teacher was a nerdy, Ned Flanders type (go figure). Class was after lunch so folks were percolating. In high school I was seriously addicted to these things. Some days I had 4 of these for lunch and nothing else. ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31E947BKaiL.jpgToday was a 4 apple pie day. A couple of different people had let a couple smaller ones go, nothing major but enough to get the class laughing and get the teacher annoyed. The whole time this was happening I knew something big was coming. I knew the next fart would send the whole class over the edge, and I was ready. After he finally got the class settled down it was pretty quiet, and I knew it was time. I held a couple in before then, searing gas pain be damned, just so I could time it right. The teacher then turned his back to write on the board. I gripped the edges of the top of the seat, raised one cheek, and this massive, bolt-rattling fart careened off of the wooden seat with a thunderous echo. I had to cut the fart short before my appalled teacher whirled around to find the culprint. The entire class was practically on the floor laughing. My teacher launched into some tirade about us being a bunch of classless peasants. I was a Fart Hero that day. |
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Post by Fishooked on Feb 9, 2016 15:20:21 GMT -5
I don't know if this counts but it's close enough I think. A couple of years ago was one of those days where I was just fighting with my stomach the whole day at work. Everything was under control until I let out a huge sneeze. The sneeze was so epic I couldn't control my butthole and proceeded to simultaneously shart myself while in my chair at work. Luckily the sneeze covered up the fart sound, but unfortunately I had to awkwardly dash out of the cube, waddle down the hallway, duck into the bathroom, take my undies off in a stall, and then throw them out wrapped in paper towels so no one would see it in the garbage. The rest of the day went commando in a suit. It sucked. You're lucky it wasn't a white linen suit. Then again you're not stationed on Columbia doing the books for some cocaine magnate. |
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Post by Big L on Feb 9, 2016 15:26:17 GMT -5
Fart Hero, like Guitar Hero.
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Post by shakin on Feb 9, 2016 16:01:59 GMT -5
if you fart in a business situation the rulebook says everyone present is supposed to just pretend it didn't happen.
we were in one of the conference rooms and there were 7 of us, 4 broads and 3 guys. late morning after a bar night, so the coffee and residual whatever drunk food i ate were making a ruckus. instead of fabric the material on the seats is some weird naugahyde or faux leather crap, so occasionally just shifting in your chair generates what sounds like a beefy fart.
so my stomach has the mosh pit going and i'm uncomfortable, so i shift in my chair and my pants rubbing against the seat makes the beefy fart sound. everyone glances then looks away, but because i'm forever stuck with the mentality of a tenth grader of course i have to subtly yet clearly show that it was the chair that made the fart sound, so of course i continue to act like i'm still shifting in my chair hoping that the noise will happen again and everyone will be like "oh of course, it was the chair." well the fucking chair material decides not to cooperate all of a sudden and goes silent, which only makes me start becoming more aggressive in my shifting motions rubbing my ass against the seat pretending to just be trying to get comfortable. finally i'm getting really fucking pissed/embarrassed that the fucking naugahyde is punking me, so i do like a big jerky frustrated twist of the ass on the seat. the wrenching of my stomach muscles starts the launch sequence and my poor balloon knot muscles never stood a chance -- the fucking fart sounded like the jake brake on an out of control tractor trailer. imagine the sultry humid stench. my god what have i done.
sort of but not really ignoring the "pretend it didn't happen" rule, one of the guys goes "maybe now's a good time to take a 5 minute break." i sat there till they all left, but i didn't realize that one of the girls circled right back in to get her phone, just in time to see me standing over the chair animatedly pointing at the seat going "you fucking piece of shit" then kicking it
yeah whatever. i still wink at her just to get the horrified wtfiswrongwithyou look
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Post by crossfire on Feb 9, 2016 17:14:13 GMT -5
Ok, this wasn't mine but I always remembered it.
My friend Jay passed away a few yesrs ago. He was a really big guy and used to drop some of the nastiest farts. I used to call his really bad ones "corpse farts" because you could only imagine a rancid fart mixed with the stench of death smelling that bad.
Anyway, we were in a grocery store one day and he comes running to the end of the aisle and says that he just let loose one of the nastiest farts ever.
The two of us peaked around the end of the aisle and watched as this poor unsuspecting old lady was pushing a cart down the aisle. All of the sudden she walked into the death zone. She instantly looked like she was going to die. She covered her nose snd mouth and started to flail at the air with her free hand.
I literally had tears in my eyes.
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Post by Big L on Feb 9, 2016 18:36:07 GMT -5
This thread delivers. I'm convulsing reading this shit at work trying not to bust out laughing
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Post by southside on Feb 9, 2016 18:58:40 GMT -5
I was spooning a chick and she farted on my stomach and said, verbatim, no fucking lie:
"That's how I roll."
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Post by Bing© in Buffalo Chairman on Feb 9, 2016 19:25:09 GMT -5
I was spooning a chick and she farted on my stomach and said, verbatim, no fucking lie: "That's how I roll." You should have immediately gone in to "Angry Racoon" mode... Stick your finger in her ass, quickly draw 2 shit circles around her eyes....when she gives that look of horror you get up and run out of the house, knocking over the trash on your way out.... |
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Post by Trades on Feb 9, 2016 22:42:36 GMT -5
I was spooning a chick and she farted on my stomach and said, verbatim, no fucking lie: "That's how I roll." You should have immediately gone in to "Angry Racoon" mode... Stick your finger in her ass, quickly draw 2 shit circles around her eyes....when she gives that look of horror you get up and run out of the house, knocking over the trash on your way out.... /thread |
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Post by Raoul Duke on Feb 10, 2016 4:52:54 GMT -5
I was spooning a chick and she farted on my stomach and said, verbatim, no fucking lie: "That's how I roll." I call BS. You did not spoon a chick. |
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