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Post by southparkcpa on Jan 8, 2020 9:57:44 GMT -5
Three old men were sitting around, complaining about how much their hands shake. The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face!” The second old man one-upped him. “My hands tremble so bad that when I mowed my lawn yesterday, I cut all the flowers in the garden!” The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss today, I came three times.” A butcher was screamed at by a customer when he squeezed the ground beef into hamburger patties by using his armpit. Woman said... That's disgusting. He responded.. Lady, this is nothing, you should see my brother the baker make donuts. |
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Post by Big L on Jan 11, 2020 9:47:09 GMT -5
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his pants and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, “You must be a dentist.”
The guy, surprised, says “Yes! How did you figure that out?”
“Easy,” she replied, “you keep washing your hands.”
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, “You must be a good dentist.”
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Sure, I’m a good dentist, How did you figure that out?”
“I didn’t feel a thing.”
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Post by Big L on Apr 8, 2020 8:50:25 GMT -5
After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.
As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, “Man, did you have a 69 before you came here?”
Jerry said, “Does my breath smell like pussy”?
The dentist replied, “No, your forehead smells like shit.”
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Post by westcoastoffensive on Apr 8, 2020 9:56:30 GMT -5
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Post by 2foolish on Apr 8, 2020 12:06:15 GMT -5
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Post by Ff2 on Apr 8, 2020 12:39:47 GMT -5
What kind of jokes can you tell during quarantine?
Inside jokes!
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Post by 2foolish on Apr 8, 2020 12:41:53 GMT -5
What kind of jokes can you tell during quarantine? Inside jokes! listen to that thing i just posted...funny... |
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Post by southparkcpa on Apr 8, 2020 13:59:15 GMT -5
Something to pass the time. Pretty amazing how it works.
Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty cool. Mine turned out to be "Jaws.”
This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favorite. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Don't cheat and don’t look at the film list till you have done the math!
Here it goes...
Film Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite film in the list of 18 films below.
Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt-fire
18. Toy Story
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Post by Jets Things on Apr 8, 2020 19:46:22 GMT -5
A duck walks into a 7/11 and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk looks down and sees a talking duck. He says "No grapes. Get out." The duck leaves. Comes back the next day and says "Got any grapes?" The same clerk says "I told you yesterday, no grapes! Get the fuck out!" The duck leaves. Comes back the next day and says "Got any grapes?" The clerk says "We don't have any grapes, you stupid duck! If you come back again asking for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor! Get out!" The duck leaves. Comes back the next day and says "Got any nails?" The clerk is confused and says "No." Duck looks up and says "Good. Got any grapes?"
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Post by 32Green on Apr 8, 2020 20:03:38 GMT -5
Something to pass the time. Pretty amazing how it works. Try this mathematical film test. It's pretty cool. Mine turned out to be "Jaws.” This test will predict which of the 18 films listed below is your favorite. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Don't cheat and don’t look at the film list till you have done the math! Here it goes... Film Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite film in the list of 18 films below. Film List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Gay Anal Fisting 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubt-fire 18. Toy Story Would I be going out on a limb to say dont bother with all that because you'll end up with 9 no matter what?  |
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Post by 32Green on Apr 10, 2020 18:02:12 GMT -5
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Post by westcoastoffensive on Apr 11, 2020 13:19:08 GMT -5
Two Giants fans are lolling through a park when the cute one sees a dog lazily licking himself in the noon sun. "Oh I wish I could do that! I'd do it all day long!"
"Well, Saquon is expecting us; can't you just pet him this time?"
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Post by westcoastoffensive on Apr 11, 2020 14:13:52 GMT -5
Jacques Cousteau found his happiness under water. It's been said that he would do anything for a tight seal.
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Post by flushingjet on Apr 12, 2020 21:23:59 GMT -5
A ___ swaggers into a bar
Says to the bartender who is _____
Give me a ____, _____
The bartender says I’ll give you a ____
but don’t call me ____
The _____ finishes his ____
Says again to the bartender
Give me another ____, _____
The bartender says look let’s switch places
For a minute , they do
The bartender says
Give me a ____, _____
The ____ says sorry we don’t serve ____
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Post by porgyman on Apr 13, 2020 8:37:42 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar and spots an attractive girl across the room.
The bartender asks him what will you have?
He says a bourbon, plus give the Polish doushbag down there whatever she wants.
The bar tender says sir, we don’t refer to our patrons that way.
The guy says just give me the bourbon.
15 minutes later he waves over the bartender. Once again asks for a bourbon and a drink for the Polish doushbag.
Same result.
It happens again, and the bartender is now very upset.
The guy says, ok a bourbon for me, and a drink for the beautiful lady across the room.
The bartender says, was that difficult?
He walks over to the lady, says that guy wants to buy you a drink. What would you like?
She says.....a vinegar and water...
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